REAL LIFE CYBER SEX
 

 Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as 
"cyber sex."  Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.  However, as you'll see
below,  one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.  Then
again, maybe he does...


 Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart.  What do you look like?

 Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
             I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.  My 
             measurements are 36-24-36.What do you look like?

 Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 12 stone pounds.  I wear glasses and I
           have on a  pair  of blue sweat pants I just bought from 
           C & A.  I'm also wearing aT-shirt with a few spots of
           barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

 Sweetheart: I want you.  Would you like to screw me?

 Wellhung: OK

 Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.  There's soft music playing on the
             stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.  I'm
             looking up into your eyes, smiling.  My hand works its way
             down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, 
             swelling bulge.

 Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

 Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

 Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.  My hands are trembling.

 Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

 Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

 Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.  The cool silk
             slides off my warm skin.  I'm rubbing you bulge faster,
             pulling and rubbing.

 Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
           hole in your blouse.  I'm sorry.

 Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

 Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

 Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.  I'm wearing a lacy black bra.  My
             soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and
             harder.

 Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.  I think it's stuck.
           Do you have any scissors?

 Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.  I'm reaching back
             undoing the clasp.  The bra slides off my body. The air
             caresses my breast.  My nipples are erect for you.

 Wellhung: How did you do that?  I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
           the clasp.

 Sweetheart: I'm arching my back.  Oh baby.  I just want to feel your 
             tongue all over me.

 Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra.  Now I'm licking your, you know,
           breasts. They're neat!

 Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.  Now I'm nibbling 
             your ear.

 Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze.  Your breast are covered with spit and
           phlegm.  

 Sweetheart: What?

 Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

 Sweetheart I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my 
            blouse.

 Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.  I drop it with a 
           plop

 Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
             tool.

 Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman.  Your hands are cold!  Yeeee!

 Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt.  Take off my panties.

 Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties.  My tongue is going all over, 
           in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

 Sweetheart: What's the matter?

 Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.  I'm choking.

 Sweetheart Are you OK?

 Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit.  I'm turning all red.

 Sweetheart: Can I help?

 Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.  I'm fumbling
           through the cabinets, looking for a cup.  Where do you keep
           your cups?

 Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

 Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water.  There, that's better.

 Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

 Wellhung I'm washing the cup now.

 Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

 Wellhung: I'm drying the cup.  Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
           And now  I'm walking back to the bedroom.  Wait, it's dark,
           I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

 Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

 Wellhung: I found it.

 Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants.  I'm moaning.  I want you so
             badly.

 Wellhung: Me too.

 Sweetheart: Your pants are off.  I kiss you passionately-our naked
             bodies pressing each other.

 Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.  It hurts.

 Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

 Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.  I place the
           glasses on the night table.

 Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed.  Give it to me, baby!

 Wellhung: I have to pee.  I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
           and toward the bathroom.

 Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

 Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark.  I'm feeling around for
           the toilet.  I lift the lid.

 Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

 Wellhung: I'm done going.  I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but
           I can't find it. Uh-oh!

 Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

 Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.  Sorry 
           again.  I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling 
           my way.

 Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

 Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
           your...you know...woman's thing.

 Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

 Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt.  It feels so nice.  I kiss
           your neck.  Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

 Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning.  I can't stand
             it another second! Slide in!  Screw me now!

 Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

 Sweetheart What?

 Wellhung:  I'm limp.  I can't sustain an erection.

 Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on
             my face.

 Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
           floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

 Sweetheart: No, never mind.  I'm getting dressed.  I'm putting on my 
             underwear.  Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

 Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
           I'm feeling  along  the  dresser,  knocking  over  cans of
           hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

 Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.  Now I'm putting on my shoes.

 Wellhung: I've found my glasses.  I'm putting them on.  My God!  One of 
           your candles fell on the curtain.  The curtain is on fire!
           I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

 Sweetheart: Go to hell.  I'm logging off, you loser!

 Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

 Sweetheart: [logged off]

	  
	  
 Drugs
	  
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and 
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like 
nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather 
than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show 
others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. 
I'll see you back in court Monday."

* * *

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this":

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs 
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said 
(pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison...... 

	  
	  
 DISGUSTING limericks...BE WARNED!!
	  
Forwarded to alue for our collective edification:


   There once was a young girl from Leith
   Who could peel foreskin back with her teeth
   It wasn't for pleasure
   That she practised this measure
   But to get at the cheese underneath!


   There once was a young man from Wales
   Who lived on a diet of snails
   When he couldn't get these
   He ate all the cheese
   That he scraped from his knob with his nails

And here's another revolting one:

   A policeman from near Clapham Junction
   Had a penis that just wouldn't function
   For the rest of his life
   He misled his wife
   With some snot on the end of his truncheon

But you don't get off that lightly.  Here are some more:

   There once was a gaucho named Bruno
   Who said: "There is one thing I do know
   A woman is fine
   And a sheep is divine
   But a llama is numero uno!"

   There once was a vampire called Mable
   Whose periods were very unstable
   By the light of the moon
   She took up a spoon
   And drank herself under the table

   There was a young girl from The Cape
   Who had intercourse with an ape
   The result was a farce -
   Small brain and large arse
   And one bollock which looked like a grape

   There once was a lady called Hilda
   Who went out with a bloody great builder
   He thought that he could
   And he would and he should
   So he did and he bloody near killed her

   There was a young man from Nigeria
   Whose morals were somewhat inferior
   He did to a nun
   What he shoudn't have done
   And now she's a mother superior

   There was a young lady named Alice
   Who peed in a catholic's chalice
   She said: "I did this
   From a great need to piss
   And not from sectarian malice".

   The vicar of Dunstan St. Just
   Was consumed with erotical lust
   He buggered four owls
   The Bishop's prize fowls
   And a little green lizard that bust

Or:   
   A habit obscure and unsavoury
   Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery:
   With hideous howls
   He deflowers young owls
   Which he keeps in an underground aviary

   From the crypt of the church of St Giles
   Came a scream that resounded for miles
   Said the vicar: "Good Gracious,
   Has Father Ignacious
   Forgotten the bishop has piles?"


  There once was a pirate named Bates
  Who was learning to rhumba on skates
  But he fell on his cutlass
  Which rendered him nutless
  And practically useless on dates

  There was a young man from Stamboul
  Who discovered red spots on his tool
  Said the doctor, a cynic
  "Get out of my clinic!
  Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

  There once was a woman from Exeter
  So pretty that men craned their necks at her
  One was even so brave
  As to take out and wave
  The distinguishing mark of his sex at her

  In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
  Massaging the bust of his madam
  He chuckled with mirth
  For on all of the earth
  There were only two boobs and he had 'em

  A lusty young man from Bel Aire
  Was screwing his girl on a stair
  But the bannister broke
  So he doubled his stroke
  And finished her off in mid-air

  
  A clever young whore from Kaloo
  Once filled her vagina with glue
  She said with a grin
  "If they pay to get in
  They can pay to get out again too!"


  There once was a girl from Sydney
  Who could take it right up to her kidney
  Then a man from Quebec
  Shoved it up to her neck
  Now he had a big one didn't he!

A lovely young lady called Jill
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

A very strange Tribble from Dorking
Met a handsome young pig, while out walking
While kissing it's snout
He asked the pig out
And the pig took him home for a porking