Nuclear war
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.

Beaurocrats
Beaurocrats cut red tape........... Lengthways!

Alarm
The trouble with alarm clocks is...   that they always go off when you're 
asleep.                         

Animals
Man is the only animal that laughs, but when you look at people, it's hard  
to understand how the animals keep from laughing.

Arguments
A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he's 
on   about...

Bikini
The computer saves a man a lot of guesswork - but so does a bikini.  

Change
Constant change is here to stay

Brains
Always remember that one is not rewarded for having brains ...   but for 
using them.

Camel
Women get the hump so often they ought to be called camels.     [Richard 
Steele]

Cat - no ordinary
There are no ordinary cats  				Colette

Cat music & warmth
Only cat lovers know the luxury of fur coated, musical hot water bottles   
that never go cold... [Susanne Millen]

Cats take messages
Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to 
you.

Cats make homes
One small cat changes coming home to an empty house to coming home.  

Cats - fat?
Even overweight cats know the cardinal rule:  when fat, arrange yourself 
in slim poses.

Cats like doors open
Cats like doors open - in case they change their minds.                                   
Rosemary Nisbet  

Cats & concentration
Cats have an infallibe understanding of total concentration -   and get 
between you and it.

Cats know where to s
Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit   that will cause 
the most inconveience.

Quip and snip
Quip today and snip tomorrow...

Complaining 
computer
Computers will never replace human beings entirely.    Someone has to 
complain about the errors.

Err
To err is human ... to forget, routine.

Experience
Experience is what helps you make an old mistake in a new way.  

Female computer?
There is now a female computer on the market.    You don't ask it 
anything but it tells you anyway.

Bad food
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is...   that you have to eat 
them.                                [Richard Steele]

Forgiveness
It's much easier to forgive an enemy *after* you get even.  

Kids
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes   
home from work, then I've done my job.  

Grown up kids
It takes us a long time to grow up enough to realise that we are still  
children...   [Richard Steele]

Inflation
Thanks to inflation it's costing more than ever to live beyond our means.

Kind deeds
You always remember a kind deed - particularly if it was yours.  

Kids
Adolescence is when kids start bringing up their parents.  

Female memory
Female cognitive process:- "I look at all the little memory cells floating  
around in the glass in the bathroom and pick the ones that look pretty!"

Embarrassing
It is extremely embarrassing to come to your senses   and find out you 
haven't any.

Marriage and music
Marriage brings music into a man's life -    he learns to play second fiddle.  

Politics
A politician is someone who can talk for hours without having to stop to  
think.

Finger trouble
It's better to put your finger on a problem   before sticking your nose into 
it.  

Quarrels
Quarrels would not last very long if the faults were only on one side.  

Contradiction
Never contradict your wife.  Just wait a while and she'll do it herself.

Tortoise
It should have been Schrodinger's Tortoise.   Have you ever tried putting a 
cat in a box?           [David Hadley]

Information
"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless  information."  
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Witch
Never upset a witch or she migh... ribbit croak ribbit

Eeyore:  Owl
Owl flew past yesterday and noticed me. He didn't actually say anything, 
but  he knew it was me. Very friendly of him I thought. Encouraging. 
[Eeyore]

Words and actions
Actions speak louder than words - and speak fewer lies.

Crime and 
punishment
It might lessen crime if an occasional jury would suspend the criminal  
instead of the sentence.

Inflation
Inflation is when petty cash is the only kind there is.

American history
The typical American knows when and where the Pilgrims landed,   but 
has no idea why.

History repeats
The reason why history repeats itself is that most people weren't   listening 
the first time.

Cats and dogs
Cat (to another cat): Dogs are really stupid.  Dog (looking on): What's a 
dog?

Aardvark
Don't *ever* feed your Aardvark honey.

Borg
You will be assimilated.

Wit
If wit was shit you'd be constipated.  

Pats on the back
A pat on the back will develop character if given young enough,   often 
enough, low enough - and hard enough.

Eeyore:  honey
Just because you hear a buzzing noise from a tree doesn't mean you're   
going to get any honey.      [Eeyore]

Eeyore:  birthdays
Just when you think no one has taken any notice of your birthday, along  
come two friends with an empty honey pot and a broken balloon.   
[Eeyore]

Eeyore: Tigger
Keep bouncy stripey animals away from your favourite thistle patch.    
One doesn't want ones lunch bounced on.             [Eeyore]

Eeyore:  disaster
It's snowing still, And freezing.    However we haven't had an earthquake 
lately.             [Eeyore]

Womens wit - age
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have.  The older she   
gets, that more interested he is in her.           [Agatha Christie]

Womens wit - scream
Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream.           
[Stefanie Powers]

Womens wit - listen
When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look.  When a woman 
gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

Womens wit - serious
The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his   intentions are 
serious.

Womens wit - ex wife
Whenever you want to marry someone, go and have lunch with his ex-
wife.     [Shelly Winters]

Womens wit - luck
Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time  she's 
24 she may be lucky.     [Deborah Kerr]

Womens wit - fight
Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.             [Phyllis Diller]

Womens wit - dead?
Whenever he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an 
affair  or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.    [Judith Viorst]

Eeyore:  rescue
When trying to rescue friends from a tree, make sure the plan doesn't   
involve having everybody stand on your back.       [Eeyore]

Eeyore:  visitors
Whenever a Very Bouncy Animal arrives in the forest, and you are told 
that   he has just come, the thing to ask is 'When is he going?'        
[Eeyore]

Tom Lehrer - life
Life is like a sewer.    What you get out of it depends on what you put into 
it.      [Tom Lehrer]

Tom Lehrer - bomb
Once ze rockets are up, who cares *vere* zey come down. Zat's not my  
department, says Werner von Brown.      [Tom Lehrer]

Lies
Women are responsible for men telling lies.  They keep asking questions!

F and S - English
The English the English the English are best, I wouldn't give tuppence   for 
all of the rest.          [Flanders and Swann]

Love
There are three things that most men love but never understand; females,  
girls, and women.

Listen
Women can do almost everything men can do...  except listen.

WCF - drink and 
wome
It was a woman who drove me to drink - and, you know,   I never even 
thanked her.                             [WC Fields]

WCF - corked lunch
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.     [WC Fields]

WCF - stimulant
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -   which I 
also keep handy.             [WC Fields]

W W III
There will be no veterans of world war three.  [Walter Mondale]

Yale proms
If all the girls attending the Yale Prom were laid end to end I shouldn't be   
at all surprised.     [Dorothy Parker]

Neurosis
A neurosis is a secret you don't know you're keeping.  [Kenneth Tynan]

Parents and kids
Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.    [Peter Ustinov]

Genealogy
A genealogist is one who traces your family back as far as your             
Money can go.

Life
Life is a terminal disease.

Life
Life is a four letter word.                                [Richard Steele]

Life
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Blush
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.  

Planes and trains
If god had meant us to fly - he wouldn't have given us the railways.

Tom Lehrer
All the world sings in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning  
pigeons in the park.   [Tom Lehrer]

Tom Lehrer - birdies
When they see us coming, the birdies all try and hide; but they still go   
for peanuts when coated with cyanide...    [Tom Lehrer]

God and enemas
If God created the world in his own image, Ipswich is  where he'd put the  
enemas.      [Shep Woolley]

Laugh
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.

Life and lipstick
I live by man's code, designed to fit a mans world, yet I never forget that  
a woman's first job is to choose the right shade of lipstick. [C Lombard]

Good news
Moses:  Good news folks!  I got God down to just ten commandments.            
The bad news is that adultery is still in there.

Average
The bad news is that half the people in this world are below average.

Pooh - Piglet
The more he looked inside the more Piglet wasn't there.       [Pooh]  

Pooh - Owl
He repects Owl, because you can't help respecting anybody who can 
spell  TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right.      [Pooh]

Pooh -Spelling
My spelling is Wobbly.  It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters  
get in the wrong places.     [Pooh]

Pooh -   Owl's Brain
Owl hasn't exactly got a Brain, but he Knows Things.  [Pooh]

Pooh - Little Brain
I am a bear of very little Brain, and long words Bother me.   [Pooh]

John and Yoko
Q:  What's dead and used to come in a yellow bag ???  A:  John Lennon  

John and Yoko
Q: What's yellow and lives off a dead beatle ???  A: Yoko Ono

Sheep
Q: Why did God create women?  A: Sheep can't cook.

God and women
Q: Know why God gave women vaginas?  A: So men would talk to them.

Men and women
Q: Why are jokes about women two-liners?  A: So men can understand 
them.